Monday, December 12, 2011
A roller coaster of emotions
Assalamu Alaikum warahmatullahi t3ala wabarakatuhu
Those moments when you feel like your stranded in an ocean of stormy waves. They keep on throwing you from one place to another, from one strong wave to another enemy, and all you have with you is a small piece of log you depend on. You know your going to drown any second, but then you hope you reach the coast, you don't know whats going on, whats going to happen to you. Is this a test, or is this a punishment? Are you hated so much that you've been thrown in to this disaster or your just beloved so your tested to see how patient you are. You try to stop the problems but sometimes the waves take you down for a few seconds. You might be crying, but with no use, because your so confused, you don't know what to do, only one thing can help at such a time, definitely not crying, only pleading to ALLAH t3ala to save you.
In a more realistic description you have so many troubles you don't know where to go. Everywhere you look there seems to be a hardship. At times your laughing even though your heart is crying, then at times your so silent because your mind has been flooded with thoughts. You try to understand whats going on, you try to save yourself from all evil, you try to do good, but it seems like sometimes you just cant avoid it. You are asking for help from the almighty, you know hes there, but you don't understand what hes doing, You feel so lost, so confused, so lonely, but then you keep on hoping that maybe its just a test. Happiness dares to creep close to you before its forced away by another trouble. You did ask to become a waliyah, but does that mean your going to be tested by being forced to sin too? I don't get it, its just another algebra problem, no matter how many times the teacher explains it to you, you have no clue what shes saying, what is X, B and A? Your looking for a sign, a sign that hes upset, or hes happy with you, is this a test, or is this a punishment, your mind keeps going to the direction, and in the end you just stand there with no clue, what is happening, where am I, when will this end???
People probably think I've gone crazy, at times I shine my smile, or the melody of my laugh soothes the ear, then the next Im so quiet like ive been frozen, I can be so open, then I can shut down, so suddenly. No one shall understand me, because no one but I know what my shoes feel like.
Oh ALLAH t3ala, you know I love you dearly, and I have no complain, you are the best, and I am your lover, everything you do for me is a blessing, in times of trouble, or times of happiness, all praise is for you. (All I want ya ALLAH t3ala is you to be happy with me, No matter what the situation is, all praise is to you, I dont complain, for I know I have a lot which some others dont, I just want you to be smiling everytime you look at me, and I want you to be happy and proud of me..and to love me..because I definitely love you!)
I myself don't know what I'm saying, poor readers, how shall they understand, must be thinking im crazy, but oh ALLAH, you know what I mean, you know what my heart hides, and what my tongue forbids to say, you know everything, every second of my life, every thought that runs through my mind and heart, I ask you, and only you to enlighten me a bit with whats going on,because Ive reached a dead end, Im knocking at your door, I have nothing with me but my sinful soul, I ask you to open the door and guide me, and protect me with all your might, spread your arms around me with all your love and mercy, accept me, and save me from all evil, and grant me the tawfeeq to do all that you like.
Aameen thumma Aameen!